Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Blessed Wall

"You have got to be kidding"...This was my response yesterday morning when I awoke to this. In June. Almost July.

So this pretty much sealed the deal for me. Yes, we will indeed still try to move. The only thing that has kept us here this long is our home. With the market so bad, we're not sure if this is an option right now. But we are definately going to try everything in our being to make this move...trusting that the Lord knows the desires of our hearts. But this snow was actually the smallest thing that happened yesterday.

I hit a wall. No, not literally, but emotionally. I hit my all time low yesterday and by the time it was noon and the baby decided to be fussy all day and not wanting to sleep, my husband picked up the kids, loaded them in the car, and said to go sleep and gather myself. I think he seen how serious this had become. I've still been trying to adjust to the thought of having two kiddos instead of one, especially a new one that doesn't like to sleep or nap like my first one did. I don't function when I have no sleep...with no way to catch up. So as I laid in bed crying my eyes out, one because I was so tired, but mostly because I suddenly felt like a failure as a mom. A weak mom. Thinking, "how can i do this, I am failing, I am not being the mother that my kids and my husband need me to be".  So after I caught up on some much needed sleep, then drove over to my brother in laws to pick up my kids, through all of the tears still falling, the Lord revealed this song to me...

I've been ashamed, and I've been put down
Head in my hands, my life on the ground

Left heaven to save, liars and thieves
Sinners like me, your blood sets us free
But who am I, that you would remember me?

Take what I have left my Savior
Take me with you from this cross
When I leave this life completely
Remember Me.

It hit me. Showing me that even though lately I've felt like He was so distant, He was still there. He was still guiding me. I just didn't see Him, because I was too busy looking the other way, being busy. So I laid it at His feet and left it there. Not to continue to dwell on it, but to praise Him for bringing me to my knees.

Then after a blessed night sleep, with my baby sleeping through the night, It reaveled to me this morning, that one big reason I always feel so overwhelmed and out of control, is because for the last 11 years at the office I have been organized. I am no longer organized. I fly by the seat of my pants daily...and in turn it has caused chaos in my home, in my husband, in my kids, and in me. So I decided to do something about it. I'm organizing. No, not just putting things in bins and labeling them. But oraganizing a schedule for myself daily. Carving out time for my quiet time with the Lord, time with my kids, time to clean, time to blog, time to work on home projects, time to develop and brand my design business, time to plan meals. Yes it sounds like an OCD kind of thing, but this I have discovered, is how I roll. I feel better when I know what to do that day, so I don't make my bed, about in tears, thinking..."where do I start" everyday and beating myself down for not getting it all done. And when it doesn't get all done, crawling into bed and feeling blessed for being able to be there for my family. So...this is what is next. The organizing of my life. The life that the Lord has blessed me with as a wife and a mother.

Thank you, Lord for Remembering Me.


  1. Thank you for sharing. I didnt feel myself either today spent most of it in bed. Been feeling out of control regarding my life waiting for a sign as well.It will get better I have to believe that.Have a good rest of the week.

  2. I am SO thinking and praying for you this week. I can remember those times with a newborn and toddler. It was the hardest thing I ever did (and I pulled lots of all nighters in law school, these did not come close to the sleep deprivation of having a newborn). Hang in there. I promise it gets better! I will lift you up in prayer! M.

  3. What a beautiful post. You are aiming to be the mother, wife and woman that God wants you to be and He will certainly bless you for that. I will keep you in my prayers. xoxo
    "I can do ALL things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil.4:13 :)

  4. oh dear.

    First, although it sounds like you're feeling better now, PLEASE see your doctor if this keeps up. My 1st didn't sleep and that combined with anxiety made life hard for me for a time. I eventually went to the doctor and got on Zoloft and it was literally life changing. I felt so much better, and I'm still on it.

    Second, I function much better with a loose routine, too. I get way more done, also!

    Third, glad you were able to turn to God during this time. I wasn't smart enough to do that back when I had PPD.

  5. I've never posted on your blog, but I've been a faithful reader for a while now. I felt called to write you today as I am feeling your pain (and joy!). I have a 3-month old - which turned my very organized, full life as a wife and a business owner to a complete - though joyful - chaotic mess. I love this new chapter in our life, but the sheer exhaustion often overwhelms me.

    I just went to see my doc about it all, and he said that my level of anxiety was not at all healthy - for me or the baby. So hopefully I'll be able to get it all under control soon enough.

    We also just took a leap of faith and put our house on the market (great timing...), as we know that there's a better life for us in a different city (we're in the big city now, but want to raise our family in a smaller town). It won't be an easy transition, but we know that God will help see it through.

    Hang in there. And if you need an e-pal to vent to or celebrate with - I'm here :)


I Love Your Comments!